jesusinsight

Psychology and Christian Life

The Value of Psychology

Psychology helps us understand ourselves, our behaviours, and our relationships with others. It acts like a toolbox, giving us skills and awareness that were less common in past generations. While psychology is a university discipline, it works best when combined with real-life experience. It does not claim to answer all of life's questions, but it offers insight into human behaviour.

Psychology and the Church

In church, we often focus on right and wrong, or spiritual matters. Yet the Bible itself highlights human behaviour, as in the parable of the prodigal son. The older brother refused to call the prodigal his "brother," just as the Pharisees called sinners "them." True understanding comes when we see others as family. Psychology, like discernment, can help reveal these relational truths. The father helps the older son see the younger "son" as actually being his "brother".

Limits of Psychology

Even psychologists recognise some things cannot be resolved. Paul wrote of mysteries only the Spirit can help us grasp. Just as we rely on doctors for health or builders for houses, psychologists can also contribute meaningfully to our well being.

Narcissism and Difficult Behaviour

Our Default Approach

Normally, we love and care for others, assuming good intent. But when relationships go wrong, we must face hard realities. Extreme conditions like narcissism and sociopathy can deeply wound us, especially if we are patient, giving people who are taken advantage of.

The Pain of Deception

Discovering a relationship was built on lies is deeply painful. Often, there is no clear roadmap for resolution. Yet through these struggles, we may develop wisdom, learn to see red flags, and protect ourselves in future.

Facing Reality

We must not blame ourselves for being caught in such situations. The real challenge is recognising when trust is permanently broken and distinguishing between imagined reality and harsh truth. This process is confusing but necessary.

Recognising Harmful Patterns

Traits of Narcissists and Sociopaths

  • They reject challenge and demand agreement.

  • They rarely value our achievements.

  • They may use us but see us as disposable.

  • As behaviour worsens, manipulation and lies become harder to hide.

  • Denial of wrongdoing is common.

As these patterns become public, relationships collapse unless others completely submit to their control.

Practical Awareness in the Church

If a church ignores narcissistic behaviour, it risks being exploited. Awareness protects the flock, just as discernment exposes hidden motives. For example, when a husband demeans his wife, outsiders may see psychological roots that the husband himself does not. Without awareness, harm continues unchecked.

Psychology and Discernment

Working Together

Psychology and Christian discernment are not enemies. Jesus himself perceived hidden motives. Likewise, understanding human agendas helps us respond wisely. We are not expected to master psychology, but we benefit from its insights, especially when protecting ourselves and helping others.

Healing and the Cross

Some problems take years—or even decades—to be healed, and some only through the Cross of Christ. Yet, psychology can aid the process. Still, not all wounds are resolved in this life. At times we see public praise for someone, while discerning unresolved failures that warn us against close partnership with them.

Protecting Ourselves and Others

Why Awareness Matters

This is not about judging or exposing people, but about protecting ourselves and ministering more effectively. For instance, if a child is turned against a parent, deep misunderstandings can leave lifelong scars unless healed. When healing is possible, both sides gain restoration; when not, we must face the reality of permanent loss. This does not mean we do not recognise relationships that cannot be resolved.

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Psychology helps us become more aware of who we are and out interactions and behaviours with others. Such skills assist us, provided they are sound. It is like having a toolbox. Psychological awareness and helpful changes to who we are, is more in our consciousness than in previous generations.

In the Church, we may focus more on what is right or wrong, spiritual content and cause, but we see profound behaviours and realisations such as described in the parable of the prodigal son. The oldest son did not reference his brother as a brother, but as the father's son. The father eventually shows him he is his brother. The Phairsees and scribes referenced sinners and tax collectors as "them" when all along they had to have the revelation that they were their brothers.

While psychology is a University qualification, it works well with insight and experience. It is like shifting the sands on the bottom of the ocean, causing shifts and changes. It is not meant to know all the answers to life. Psychologists know there are things that cannot be fitted together. The Apostle Paul says there are things we don't understand and are unable to resolve without the process of setting the mind on the Spirit. Even then, this is not simplistic.

We attend our GP practice for medical assistance. We engage a professional builder to construct a house. Psychologists have much to offer.

The following discussion is about narcissistic behaviour.

We take a default position of caring for and loving others. Only when things go terribly wrong, we examine and develop reasonably substantiated views in context with honest discussions among various parties, including the source(s) of the trouble.

This is difficult indeed.

We like to think of people in good ways, and recall happy memories in preference to the reality of significant psychological conditions such as extreme narcissism and sociopathic behaviour.

If our own personality is kind and giving, patient, used to helping others, it may be subject to being targeted by those who know they can carefully and safely continue with us, while in a psychological state that not only has not been held accountable or changed, but further developed into more chronic behaviour over time. As that develops the cracks in the walls become chasms and cliffs.

Going through such experiences are highly disturbing and painful, as what was made out to be true in relationship was not. There may be no roadmap to solve these chronic, severe problems, in which case there is no satisfaction or resolve. However, after such experiences we have more skills in our relating to others, and where and when needed, to see red flags – which again is not our default position.

The tension that rips us apart with such matters is irreconcilable positions and perceived or real loss.

We need to understand we are not perpetrators of these situations, as we attempt to understand, work with, heal, help, manage. When change is due, we see what is real rather than what we once thought was okay. Flipping back and forth between imagined reality and evident reality is a hardship we face.

We need to understand how we are being treated by others, and how we respond. For example, know when trust has been permanently shattered rather than damaged or possibly able to be restored. As these hardships unfold, we learn a lot, but some of the experiences we will not understand, perhaps until future moments in time as we then realise more about the dynamics that occurred. We will of course question ourselves, as that is normal behaviour.

Psychology will certainly help to understand known characteristics of people such as narcissists, sociopaths, liars, drug addicts, and so on. When we challenge someone who only ever wants people to agree with them, never to be challenged, we will notice we do not receive genuine recognition from them for our own good attributes and achievements. We are useful to such people in serving what they think are their own needs, but in their minds, we are dispensable. Therefore, we will notice significant changes in a relationship that we may not even understand, yet notice.

As chronic behaviours develop, such people cannot be hidden as well as they once were. For the narcissist, their partner or friends will be challenged to accept their controlling and manipulative behaviour and lies, totally accept, or be removed from their life. We will notice as chronic behaviour develops things that are totally unacceptable in the behaviours that occur, and that such behaviours become more present in the public realm. There will be general behaviours that text books describe. There are so many. For example, denial of wrong doing.

I heard of a case where a Church did not recognise narcissistic behaviour, and were therefore taken advantage of. People felt misuse, but still didn't grasp the reality. When the pieces of the puzzle were understood, even though uncomfortable, they could refuse to let the person misuse them. If the Church cannot do this, how can it deal with a wolf among the flock? Awareness of behaviour is practical.

As a practical example, if a husband demeans his wife, tells her to be quiet, why does he do that, where is it coming from, how does it make the wife feel and close off from future interactions and so on. There is much to be learnt. From an outsider's view, they may see there is a psychological process going on that needs healing. If the husband is unable to see what they do or know why they behave this way, how can they change? These styles of behaviour can cause decisions based on ignorance, or even spiritual abuse or harm. It further means loss of freedom that would otherwise be available if resolved.

Some folks are happy with their view of life and will not be open to behavioural awareness and responses. I believe discernment and perception fit well with the field of psychology. Jesus perceived what others were doing. If we are not able to understand these constructs, perception is more limited. I mean, even if the Lord reveals to our minds that someone has a specific agenda, how can we understand this information unless we know about agendas in the hearts of men? This does not imply we are meant to know the ins and outs of this field of study. But, we benefit from where it aligns to our experiences and future ability to help others in those areas of experience.

There are areas of life for Christians that are chronic and difficult, even taking decades to come under the work of the Cross. Also, areas that can only be healed via the Cross. If psychology can help, why would one reject it? There are conditions that people never sufficiently resolve or heal, and if our own eyes are opened to seeing it, we are sad. We may see others praise another person for their triumphs in life with the Lord, but we may see a significant failure that they are not seeing. This of course means we would not enter into personal ministry with such a person, despite the public praise.

This is not all about exposing, awareness, leading to right judgement etc., but is about how we protect ourselves as we should, and how we may help, minister or relate better to others.

One last example that highlights how serious this is. If a child is brought up to turn against a parent, that child will not know the ins and outs of what occurred at that time. If that response or rejection and even potential revenge is not healed, the child will not be part of the parent's life in their final years, all based on misunderstanding, or psychological behaviours that are well open for healing. Both chid and parent miss out on a lot. If those original behaviours were of a different nature that cannot be healed, such as the parent rejecting the child because they do not confirm to a cult religion, we recognise the practicality and reality of this loss.

Just how important is this topic?

It took me 30 years to realise someone I knew was a psychopath, and a narcissist.

Once I woke up, I knew factually, the person had absolutely no care (or empathy) for me. I was misused for their own gratification. With the absence of care, which was validated by numerous confirming actions, (and detailed discussions with people, including professional) it simply did not matter I was no longer a part of their life. It just didn't. My eyes were opened, but until then, we behave under the rules of what should be normal, and hence unfortunately falsely placed empathy and guilt that was being sucked out of me. People are supposed to behave a certain humane way. Oh, someone does not.

So yes, this is an important topic. And I did learn a lot, however, the preference would have been to be with a good, functioning human being. We cannot love where love is not returned. While love is real and genuine, it actually needs reciprocation to work its wonder and flourish. This is for anyone in any relational context.

From a spiritual perspective, I knew there was a dead-end roadblock, where nothing in the world, not even prayer, could open a single shaft of light, and believe me, I tried with agony for a very long time. This is when I came to the Cross of Jesus, threw myself down to admit there was no solution, and with that, no comfort or resolution. This is perhaps part of the essence of death itself. Rewardless death, no matter how many years are devoted to changing it.

So yes.

And those who continue to participate in promoting the psychopath, the narcissist, you are culpable too.

Summary

We explore the relationship between psychology, spirituality, and personal growth, particularly through a Christian lens, suggesting that while psychology has definite value in understanding and managing behavior, it is sometimes insufficient without spiritual intervention, specifically through Jesus, to fully overcome deep-seated traumas.

Developing awareness of one's behavior and emotions is at times necessary for meaningful change. Without awareness, individuals may continue harmful patterns. Perhaps there is courage when confronting personal issues, including the role of spirituality.

While awareness is key, it is a development of that same ability we need. It is not enough though. We say what we would want from a moral point of view, what is good, but what do we do? Do we aim for insufficient goals? For instance, is it not necessary to aim for calmness in the storm, for stability, for love? Aiming to be a good person is a high level statement without further context. We need to make connections to have meaning, not theories. In the same light, is it not necessary to have spiritual development so that what is ineffective towards healing us is no longer hopeless – e.g. recurrent nightmares or traumas that just won't mend.

By contrast, certain psychological profiles, such as narcissism, require a distinct approach and understanding. We advocate for a balanced integration of psychology and spirituality while achieving growth and functionality in life.

A major problem among Christian folks is to focus on the spiritual but neglect the practical. One may have emotional behaviours that cause other people problems. If you have various giftings from the Lord, how does that help if family is in disarray? How does it help when issues between partners are never resolved so that one partner has fear and cautiousness? These things stop genuine play in a relationship. This is complex, but points to psychology. Not only does psychology impact a partner and a family, but friends. If one chooses to select certain types of friends based on emotional needs, how is that of value in the long run? To deal with LIFE is not just on the spiritual level, but who you really are as a person, and in a context with others. Not only that, but what do you do that stops others from enjoying the freedoms you think you are supposed to enjoy?

When behaviour is unattended, it worsens by default. Daily prayers do not fix this. There needs to be the desire to become aware and want to change, which then opens up new possibilities that otherwise never reveal. So there is benefit in change. Without change, one will not know how to identify basically, "sick" behaviour. Everyone carries poor behaviours, but when it settles in over many years, it is not a good way to think others will want to work with you in the deeper things of life.

Only contemplating Heaven, while important, is not feeding the five thousand things in your own life you need to address and you will not now those things without being open to the challenge. You will never be able to look back and see how appalling some things were, and their impact on freedom and development.

In this scenario, which most people are in, how can a person identify the poorness of their spirituality, their substitutions used daily to replace genuine spirituality, or their own inner content. As the problem becomes chronic, people evolve their bad behaviours as if there is nothing wrong going on. Next, those behaviours are forced upon others – agree with me or go away. For partners, e.g. those in marriage, typically the male dominates until the wife either realises how bad things are and says no, or piece by piece loses sovereignty and agrees with the bad behaviour. Even though that behaviour corrupts there is still agitation under the hood of the car. We will see observable changes in people  at critical, determining points in their lives. Agreed enforcement locks in, only supporting further degradation of spirit and loss of refreshment towards others.

All of this comes under a spiritual banner where Christ can help us, and a psychological understanding where we become aware of behaviour and enable change. If you never invest in any of this, there is no positive outcome. You may continue your merry way offending decency, and spiral into a continual pattern that yields no help. The tree never grows. For some Jesus will say "I never knew you" because you have developed some fickle view about spirituality. If your behaviour is exposed, you can't support false spirituality.

The demands we place on others is directly correlated with freedom or imprisonment at all levels. When you do not see things going the way you expect, continually, you either stop to figure it out or ignore as someone else's problem. Having imaginary views on how life should work is without foundation.

For ourselves, if we do not see what other people are doing, we have limitations on our involvements, perceptions, emotional responses, and more, even loss of time. Healthy relationships always have limits, but chronic poor behviour is something we want less and less of. Why? Because we know what it is to have better quality of life around us, and that value. With false ideas, you do not get what you hope for unless it is highly manufactured and others around you want to suffer loss of who they are meant to be.

Psychology

I would like to immediately say that our behavioural conditions are complex and always have a uniqueness.  Text books do not heal. But more than this, various conditions may be too complex to simplify – like addiction. How can we treat a person with chronic manipulation with disdain as that for a drug addict?  Addictions are cruel and difficult to change. This is why people say addictions are chains. Chains literally cannot be broken – so what can break them? They won't be broken while the addiction continues, which means behaviours can be highly unacceptable. If an adult does not admit to their shame, even though addicted, this is a gross abandonment of responsibility – in my view. How can a person find a grueling way out of addiction if they refuse to acknowledge their state? The manipulator has a perverse enjoyment that in my view cannot be broken until they admit complete, total , and utter failure. This is not a hypocritical position. I know failure and what follows after.

We benefit seeing a doctor for medical assistance, but may pull back from benefits of clinical psychology.

There is a stigma that says something must be inwardly wrong, highly personal as compared to taking medication for physical pain or repair. If others ask us to see a psychologist it is perceived as an admission to them that we are "less", or defective. These threatening dynamics are actually the fault of others, as psychology is none of this at all.

Another problem like any profession, relates to who is professional versus those without sufficient experience and insight. Everyone has the right to develop in their own field, but clearly there is a starting point for someone out of University. We hope that professions are fully aware of such development and how that should properly integrate with patients.

Methodology is also important. Someone telling you how to fix yourself is basically not an effective approach. A psychology session that stirs up emotions from the sands below the ocean, understanding dynamics of situations, presenting development via personal tools, these things help.

And, another problem is dollar cost. The government may not provide sufficient numbers of sessions at low cost, limiting effectiveness. Not everyone can afford help.

Psychologists do a mix of things, not just the old fashioned view we have of Freud with a patient on a couch. They may combine psychotherapy as part of their help to others. It is my personal view that all professions around psychology, psychotherapy, and psychiatry will have a range of people involved with particular viewpoints and effectiveness particularly focused to certain areas of life.

A patient may attach to a profession and person, naturally trusting the person helping them. But there are limits on effectiveness or even failures. Patients have the right to ascertain if they remain with a particular practitioner, and what advice they seek.

There are also issues we observe where we believe spiritual life makes change. Non-Christian folks may say such a process is from the human heart or spirit, or some other process occurring that brings such healing, which is a relevant perspective of course. We say there are traumas and ongoing issues that can come under the banner of change due to relationship with God. We are not saying to therefore exclude professions such as psychology at all.

Today, psychology is in our consciousness. In the New Testament, we see certain content that is along the lines of psychology, but it is not showing a fuller understanding of what we know today. Meaning, while it is interesting, it does have apparent fault in how we know human behaviour works today. While helpful to the reader, it still suggests some care around how we use scripture to "tell" others what to do, or how the content is limited to a specific situation rather than a whole lot more that is not addressed. This is not meant to be critical, but to question narrow views we may hold, and incorrect uses of scripture.

As time moved on into the twentieth century, there were significant Christian psychology developments seen with C.S. Lewis. These developments in my view are a bit too incomplete compared to the discipline we have today. I personally disagree with some of the ways some of his thoughts were constructed together. But, it was a significant development.

If a person is in distress, at what point is it chronic, moving into suffering. This is what happens with dementia. This is part of the reason why a person is placed into an environment that can look after them, thus reducing the level of suffering. Other people may see suffering and have ability to help. In this case the suffering is real, even though the individual with dementia does not know what is going on.

Being mindfully aware is also not enough. We often see connections between things that only then cause significant response. So, people look at a range of indicators, such as body language, not just feelings. Developing awareness is a journey. Doing something with awareness is a question. For instance, if we know we are placing too much stress to our own person, do we still do anything to pause or reduce stress? If we are aware another person does not want our help, do we change our approach?

Certain personality types will not engage with personal development. Similarly, as Christians we are presented with choices for our own development. Is there any purpose to saying these things, especially as they are very broad and limited statements? Perhaps we can move further into the realm of our hearts and seek with the promise from the Lord in finding. What we do not find we never know. However, not seeking means we may still one day see what we missed and be sorrowful. Today we have clearer understanding of psychology and can therefore take a healthy advantage of it just as doctors can help with physical ailments.

All things that are good, as we were created to do good, (this is scriptural) can help towards our development, and does not negate the Lord's view of our future where He develops our faith in Him. The Lord knows who we are and loves us, and we often say there is a timing in everything, but realistically, I believe there is a responsibility to address our behaviours that the Lord supports. There are things you would not do tomorrow, at all, that you would do today simply because of inner needs with problems and narratives that are unaddressed. We have to keep going in an enabling direction.

There are also the arrows of life that come at us. Some of these are cruel to the core. We are better enabled to handle this when we have the right to do so.

As a side-note, I have found over the years that presenting specific examples while providing content as I have above, while helpful, is at times not. There are many things we can say about topics such as arrogance, narcissism, addiction, abuse and so on with highly detailed examples. I have come to a point where I am not sure this helps, so I limit these kinds of details. I think they are a distraction from what we may think about. There is plenty of material on specific case examples, so I try to keep examples limited. I am not a psychologist, but aiming to provide things to think about that perhaps we generally do not consider, in the hope it helps us make better choices to further our development. Why? Because of my own struggles and observations, and my distaste for seeing harm to others, of which I have experienced and seen so easily done to others. Such bad behaviour has no scriptural basis. I just want people to see things more as they are, not for the sake of any agenda, but for more freedom from other people's forms of control and injustice. The Apostle Paul was facing these issues all the time with his, the Lord's beloved Church, so it is not new.

I find at times we see chronically bad teaching inflicted on younger people as well, who then are trained to grow up to think and then do the wrong things, such as an ideology that is not real. They are placed into corners, being told to formally proclaim and agree. For instance, as a young person I was told the Holy Spirit would only speak the truth to His senior people who followed certain rules. My conscience via the Holy Spirit was at odds so I was unable to follow a lie on a particular matter or belief system in distinct conflict with the witness within me. I was quickly ex-communicated in a very dangerous way, but I was unable to hack the truth within me into some twisted form. Fortunately the Lord protected me, but this was extraordinarily difficult for me as young person without the skills I have today. Over the years I had people who supported me in finding truth. This is the right thing for all of us to do. My belief is that we have been lied to about many things, and I am tired of anything that perpetuates that.